You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
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