mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
