ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
