New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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