even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
