This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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