i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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