the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
