i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
