I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
