He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
