Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
