Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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