She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
