I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
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