My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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