No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
