Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
there is puke in my bra ... again
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
