you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
