his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
