I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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