I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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