so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize