I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just gift wrapped bread.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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