I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
