theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
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