so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize