Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize