I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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