My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
