He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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