bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
