She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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