I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Randomize
