at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Hippo gnu deer
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
