heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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