White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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