I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
