i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
