I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
