hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
That accounts for only three of the penises
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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