remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
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