Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
