You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
