I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
