i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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