Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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