Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
