I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
