i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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