come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
