If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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