he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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