I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
