Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
