New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize
