Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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