Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
