she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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