I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
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