u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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